“Baseball,” for instance. Why “bases”? What are they the base of? Baseball is bases and balls. And also bats. Why not Ballbat? “Baseball” was originally “base ball.” How many ideas have we clumped together so that we never think of how they were built? To ‘un-clump’ them is a way of strange-ing your mind.

For instance:

any body

some body

no body

every body

touch down

for give

living room

pan cake

grand stand

Sun day

common wealth

to morrow

slip shod

And so on. It sounds trivial, but “strange-ing” is an exercise that can separate you from the everyday world, put you in an attitude of wonder and questioning.

“Every thing solid seems to melt into air.” – Some thing like that.

See: “Beginner’s Mind” (Shoshin – from the Zen tradition)

– New Scientist, 12 May 2012, page 3

What did the cadaver transmit when it “communicated with the outside world”? How about, “Can you come a little closer?”

Ah – how do they know if you’re under 26 or not, unless they card you?

http://www.washingtonpastime.com/drupal/node/110

Kant wrote that there were, however, other categories than these three. The others have been pretty much ignored over the centuries.

The category I propose to resuscitate is that part of the category of “relation,” called “reciprocal effect” (or “community.”) Most philosophers have subsumed “reciprocal effect” under cause and effect, and paid no further attention. Our understanding of cause and effect, however, is one-way only, whatever the underlying reality may be. I suggest that “reciprocal effect” in Kant’s terms corresponds well to the modern concept of “system”: interacting parts with mutual causality.

This raises the question of “what’s a ‘part’”? Are there parts within parts? How can a part be contained in more than one system? Can two systems overlap? What is the logical status of the area of overlap? And so on.

A conference paper I presented a few years ago in China, based on current research in mereology and graph theory, explores these questions. An extended abstract (14pp) was published in the Proceedings on CD, but was not included in the online Proceedings. A brief abstract is available online, and is also reproduced below.

Ref: “A Systems Ontology” (abstract), Proceedings, 42nd Annual Conference of the International Society for the Systems Sciences, Shanghai, 2002. http://www.isss.org/2002meet/abstracts

/abstracts1.htm

2002-018 ASO: A SYSTEMS ONTOLOGY
Terence Kuch, Arlington, Virginia 22203 USA
This paper develops a ‘systems ontology’ in the sense described by von Bertalanffy (1969, pp. xix-xxii), and defines theoretical rules and executable algorithms for distinguishing a ‘system’ from whatever is not a ‘system’. Based in philosophy, the argument is developed primarily from the writings of Russell, Bradley, and Wittgenstein on internal and external relations, and also from recent trends in mereology and mereotopology (Casati and Varzi, Simons, D. Lewis). ‘System’ is defined at three levels of increasing complexity: static, dynamic or functional, and purposive. Static systems are those to which change is not relevant. It turns out that two quantifiable measures are sufficient to identify a static system: individuation and cohesiveness. At the static level, a rigorous procedure is developed which allows all systems, and only systems, to be identified in a graph of arbitrary complexity. In a dynamic (functional) system, at least one element has an effect on another, e.g., passing data or commands, passing a stream of atoms or photons, etc., that has at least the potential of resulting in some change (in?formation) in the target element. The analysis of dynamic systems is concerned with how characteristics and identities of systems are preserved or modified as these systems change and interact with other systems. At the purposive level, the logical relation of function to purpose is analyzed, and is found to be highly complex. Some of the questions at the various levels for which answers are offered include: Can every aggregation (for example, a heap of rocks) be considered a system under some description? What kind of changes can occur and still leave a system ‘the same system’? Are there ‘stronger’ and ‘weaker’ relations? How are ‘relations’ to be counted? If a system can be viewed as a populated structure, how do we analyze partially populated structures? Can there be two portions of a dynamic system that do not exist at the same time? Must a system have a function? a purpose? (How) can one count the number of purposes a system may have? Is a purpose of a system (assuming it has a purpose) determinable by examination of that system alone? (How) is the purpose of a system subject to change, even when the system itself has not changed? The paper ends with suggested applications of the ASO approach to real-world social and economic systems.

<END>

Herbert buys a gun, takes it to work, points it. Now SueAnn is really sorry.

<END>

But then they find, straight across the sea, identical ruts rising from the water.

This one is new. Locals swear it wasn’t there last week.

<END>

[after Piero Camporesi]

[after Piero Camporesi, The Fear of Hell]

- ‘Wall Street guru’ Philip Falcone in The Washington Post, 6 April 2012, page A1

… Ann Hornaday in The Washington Post, 4 April 2012, page C1

<END>

This could be a defense against digikleptia, but instead I think our jock confused “holding their breath” and “crossing their fingers.”

<END>

“Kuch’s debut thriller combines technology and an unusual method of terrorism. Former cop Duane Rondo has fallen into a job near Washington, D.C., using a program called ISPI to gather information—even the smallest details—on individuals who seem suspicious or are running for a position in the government. That’s how he discovers the perfectly clear record of Sybille Haskin, a nominee for secretary of Homeland Security, and comes to the conclusion that someone is tampering with top-secret, supposedly secure information in order to make sure Haskin lands the governmental position. Rondo will stop at nothing to get the information he wants, from giving Haskin a ticket she doesn’t deserve in order to track it through ISPI, to taking her to bed.

“What follows is a tumble down a rabbit hole of suspicion within the organization, a hunt for Rondo by amateur terrorists, spying, techno-speak, unanticipated humor and a galvanizing chase scene that ends in another country. The story is also sprinkled with hints of information via ISPI searches regarding the long-term effects of the nonfatal mustard gas to be used in a massive terror plot. The concept of slow-moving, silent terrorism is unnerving and the intended execution of the plot to spread mustard gas seems feasible. The story presents an atypical terrorism concept, a shocking dose of humor and a handful of riveting scenes.”  [abridged]

2. We still have that practice, where the same word or phrase can be taken in a literal sense, or in an ironic sense meaning just the opposite.

3. In the Old Testament era, many Jews considered it sacrilegious to curse anyone. Upon occasion when the text reads “God bless…,” the context makes it plausible that the real meaning is “God damn…”

<END>

1. The manual typewriter – FACIT (Swedish)

2. The electric typewriter – IBM Selectric

3. The PDA – Compaq iPaq

4. The manual hand-held calculator – Curta (definitely a collector’s item; I couldn’t afford one when they were being made, and I still can’t!)

5. Color slide film – Kodachrome 64

6. CDs and DVDs (still kicking, but …)

NEXT TO GO ?:

1. The gasoline-driven sedan – Mercedes S-class

2. The laptop computer – Apple

3. TV delivered by cable

A: God needs to clean the barf off the sidewalks.

This is a problem.

Readers who disagree with a writer seem often to focus on the examples and ignore the principles, both because they tend to be more homey and vivid, and because examples inevitably contain some material not relevant to the principle, and another principle would be needed to distinguish what’s relevant in that example from what isn’t, leading to an infinite regress. (Ah …)

Here’s an example [!]: “A” says, “Socialism means government ownership of the means of production, for example as in the Soviet Union.” But, “B” says, Lenin permitted private ownership of businesses, as did Gorbachev; and, “C” says, there are many better examples of socialism than the Soviet Union. And, “D” says, why are you picking on the Soviet Union anyway?

Better not to have examples at all. If your idea can’t stand on its own merits, maybe you should rethink it, or make it more rigorous, or explain it better. Without examples.

Or consider the literary journal editor who says “The best way to know what we are looking for is to read our journal.” So we find, along with much diverse material (what is the common factor among so much that differs?), a story about a handicapped girl who comes to terms with her condition and moves on with her life. We write a story about a handicapped boy who doesn’t come to terms with his condition and can’t move on with his life. (That was an example of an example.) The editor says “Oh, we just ran a story more or less like that. Try something else. Show me something new.”

Or, the stories you look at are all written in the third person. So you avoid using first person. But perhaps the editor might appreciate a first-person story once in a while, but these are never submitted, just because they are never submitted and hence never published to serve as – examples.

The principle: An example can never completely track what it’s supposed to be an example of, or it would just be a repetition of what it’s supposed to be an example of. Is that clear? Would you like an example?

<END>

And then, “Tell us about your impression of the Knowledge Expert.” There is a choice of five answers, including this one, which you’re not apt to getfrom Walmart or Bank of America:

“Helpful, but disheveled.”

Being a former geek, I would have preferred “Helpful AND disheveled.”

The result is that by now I have some two hundred different combinations of logons and passwords. I have a piece of software that remembers my passwords (but won’t tell me what they are, if I forget). But that could be hacked. I could alternatively create a .doc of all my passwords and encrypt it. But then I’d need to decrypt it every time I needed to recall a password. Not only would that be cumbersome, but while in a decrypted state the file could be hacked. For all these reasons, I keep a written list. But how to keep the list secure?

Absent buying a safe, or disguising the list as a potted plant, there’s an effective way to keep your passwords in plain view and they’ll still be secure:

1. Think up a “key password.” This will be alphanumeric only, something not obvious (not your name, address, wife’s name, cat’s name, make of car, etc. – and especially not the word “password”!). This will be the first part of every password you use, so be sure you can memorize it.

2. Whenever a site asks you to select a new password, enter your key password and then some additional characters – perhaps seven or eight of them, if allowed by the site.

3. Write down these additional characters on a list you can keep handy.

4. Your password for that site will then be your ‘key password’ followed by the additional characters unique to that site.

5. Therefore, you need only remember the key password; if the additional characters appear on a list, or even on a sticky note on your monitor, your actual (complete) password will still be secure.

<END>

“Gormley testified as prosecutors continued to lay out evidence they say connects Huguely to Love’s May 2010 death, calling a series of Charlottesville police officers who collected T-shirts, cargo shorts, a shower curtain and DNA samples from inside Huguely’s mouth and beneath his fingernails.”

There should, of course, be a comma after “curtain,” but the Post’s rather obtuse style sheet doesn’t permit it.

<END>

One day the film opens across the country, hundreds of screens.

And flops. The film, to the surprise of everyone, is a simple story of ordinary life with no gore, no ghouls, no zombies or ghosts. Very little blood flows. It follows the separate careers of two women and one man who knew each other in high school. One is a moderate success, one becomes an alcoholic, and one struggles to surmount the usual dilemmas of life. Nothing much happens. One by one, the characters grow up, have a life, grow old and die.

Then it ends. Critics of all kinds pan it. After the first week, it closes everywhere. Is the famous director slipping? But gradually, people who see the film come to appreciate it. It haunts their lives. The film is revived, begins to win awards.

The director is hailed as a genius for showing us the ultimate horror.

(after Dave Eggers)

MORGAN: It’s an almost impossibly hypothetical thing to ask you, but there will be people in that position, and they will share your religious values.

SANTORUM: It’s not a matter of religious values.

Morgan didn’t follow up on this; too bad. Perhaps he didn’t understand what Santorum was saying, or didn’t think it merited further discussion. But it does. Normally, those who oppose abortion say that it’s against the will of God. But if not God, then … ?

<END>

Naming rights. Think: a “Mark Zuckerberg Acropolis,” or a “Warren Buffet Ruins of Delphi” could mean a cool billion euros each. Many temples are named for gods such as Apollo or Zeus, who are no longer around to pay up. No pay, no play; their time is over.

And islands: How much would you pay to have your name on Santorini, or Corfu, or Mikonos? And how much could be raked in if there were a “Google Republic of Greece”?

All they need to do is follow the grand old American tradition exemplified by MetLife Stadium, Raymond James Stadium, Qualcomm Stadium, and on and on.

You’d hardly notice the change.

“In the landscape of no context, one asks, “What’s going on? What is this? Who are these people? In Libra, Lee Harvey Oswald habitually stares out the front of the subway, observing people ‘on local platforms staring nowhere, a look they’d been practicing for years.’ As the perpetually hypnotized observer, he’s as locked into place as they are.”

That last sentence, and its place as the “clincher” in the flow of ideas, is vintage Kael.

Baxter is not alone as a writer of Kaelish: in his first years as film reviewer for the New Yorker, Anthony Lane, Kael’s successor there, wrote largely in Kaelish. More recently, though, the effect has been less noticeable.

“I’m delighted that there’s another source for radio news. I won’t miss WTOP’s news stories that turn out to be commercials (how ethical is that?), their ads from bottom-feeder firms that they should have rejected out of hand, and especially their hockey-idiot who yells SCORRRRRRRRRRRRRRE as loud and as long as he can, and sends me running to shut the damn thing off.”

I have had one good nibble for the collection, but no bites, and am in search of a publisher. If that could be you, let me know. [I have a novel available on Amazon, but that’s “airport reading,” not like the weird/literary stories I write.)

Finally, they return to the theatre. They demand to unsee the play, to take their fear and pity back. They are permitted this indulgence. Then they look at each other, wondering why they were there at the theatre, what the play they didn’t see might have been about. Nothing very important, surely. Or they would have remembered.

[after Thomas Bernhard]

Terence Kuch’s techno-thriller novel The Seventh Effect was published in 2011 by Melange Books, and is available in paperback and Kindle from Amazon. His second novel, a sci-fi murder mystery titled See/Saw, is scheduled for publication in May, 2012. His psychological horror, sci-fi, and literary stories, published in the US, UK, Canada, Australia, and Malaysia, are widely accessible via Google. He is a member of the editorial teams of Fickle Muses and Z-composition e-zines. He lives in Falls Church, Virginia, with a wife and too many cats.

The older of the two meanings, in the U.S., was “homosexual,” and the word was used with only this meaning in Dashiell Hammett’s novel The Maltese Falcon. However, when that novel was translated to the screen in 1941 (starring Humphrey Bogart), the film was “one of many of the era that … could only hint at homosexuality.” [Wikipedia] The hint was subtle indeed. When one character who frequently brandished a gun was repeatedly called a “gunsel,” most moviegoers thought that the unfamiliar word meant “gunman” or “gunslinger.” This mistake, owing to the fame of the film, eventually became an accepted alternative meaning.

Pauline Kael once mentioned that she had a very high regard for the 1941 film, for its original cinematic qualities and pacing. However, the film is, almost shot for shot, a literal translation of the novel. Many of its virtues are not original in film, but were derived from the book. It’s possible that Kael hadn’t read the novel (at the time, I didn’t venture to ask her that, because I hadn’t read it then, either.)

<END>

There are many statues of me; a new one every few days. I don’t know how they came to be there, but suddenly – there they are, and I am once again delighted, and my courtiers are amused. Some of the statues are life-size, some smaller, some larger. I like the larger ones best. I see at least one statue of me whenever I’m being driven through the capital, or taken for a stroll in the presidential gardens, or visit our far-flung troops to encourage their noble fight.

I slowly learn the language of statues: plinth, stiacciato-relievo; aerugo; and so on. I don’t know what these words mean.

I look forward to seeing the next statue, what the sculptor has done, how he has probed my innermost spirit (the spirit of our nation!), how he has revealed it in all its heroic splendor to the passing crowd.

I have come to appreciate the various aspects, poses, brilliance of my statues. I am becoming, by now, a practiced critic. I have knighted a few of the sculptors. Some others I have consigned to the dungeons. I visit them and listen to their cries.

“Assaults, Cimarron Dr., 6600 block, 7 a.m., Dec. 25. A man assaulted a 25-year-old acquaintance with a beer bottle during a card game at a residence. A 35-year-old Springfield man was charged with malicious wounding and obstruction of justice.”

Maybe it was a Bud Light. Then it wouldn’t have hurt so much.

Now the car hunts.

Like many fringe groups, the Brotherhood taught that only 144,000 people could be saved. Given this limit, they observed various practices pleasing to God, to try to place as many of their members as possible in heaven.

The Brotherhood, however, taught that, given the many millions of people who had lived and died since Adam, heaven had surely received its 144,000th worthy soul many centuries before: No Vacancy. Therefore, a Brother’s only hope of heaven was to persuade God to expel one of the saved, and to elevate the Brother to heaven in his stead.

When this was accomplished (through rumor, slander, prayer, saintly interventions, etc.) the soul ascended to heaven – and the soul it displaced descended to earth and assumed the ascended person’s dead body.

On earth, the newly descended soul assumed the form of – a zombie.

“When heaven is full, the dead will walk the earth.”

(See Rev 7:1-9 and Rev 14:1-5 and Rev 12:13-14)

Is that why we haven’t heard from anyone ‘out there’?

There’s another possible answer. Someone, some planet, must be first. Sometime, some civilization probes the sky and asks – where is everybody? And hears nothing, because they are the first ‘anybody’. We know that there is a first civilized planet. Why not Earth?

Consider: We are in the outer rim of a spiral arm, away from most of the galactic chaos. We have a large moon to ward off stray asteroids (most of them). We have a stable, responsible, middle-class and middle-aged sun. We have tectonic movement (important) and tides. We have an ozone shield. We have both dry land and oceans. And so on.

We are Columbus with no one to meet him.

_______________

[Actually, we should consider only our own galaxy in this query, not the universe as a whole. It is unlikely that we could ever make contact with any beings, no matter how advanced, in another galaxy.]

In their hearts, his listeners divided into two groups; those who thought the saying very harsh, and those who thought they could do without the first group, on their way to the Kingdom.

Somewhere there is a book detailing all your faults, all your sins. Everyone has read it but you. You have heard rumors, been the object of disparaging looks on the commuter train. You would like to read it; but the bookstores have never heard of it. Indeed, there are no more bookstores.

[after S.T. Joshi]

I am writing to seek your cooperation over this, please due welcome this letter

My dear beloved,

In face of my predicament, I want you to know that I have gone through hell to seek for a good person to help me but all I keep getting is betrayers who want to reap where they did not sow but God has directed me to contact you and my spirit is at rest as I am writing this letter to you and that is very much convincing and I hope you will be of good help to me. ….

My name is Mrs.Halim Hossain, am suffering from a slow killing poison that was given to me by my late husband’s half brother because of an inheritance of US$10.5 Million left for me and my son by my late husband, my late husband’s half brother was my late husband’s business partner, it was like a family business before their last oil deal of 10.5million, he become so greedy that he poisoned my husband on a diner business party they went in London and when he found out that my husband made me his next of kin on the money, he now gave me a slow killing poison so that when I die he will use my son to claim the money from the bank maybe after claiming the money he will also kill my son. What a greedy and deadly person, he is doing this to me and my family that loved and welcomed him like one of us, the world is wicked.

[This is worth a soap opera, all by itself, or perhaps the plot of next year's Damages TV series.]
….
Hope to hear from you soon

God bless you

[after Piero Camporesi]

“… he insists that an ideosyncratic ‘private language’ could not be a proper language. Meaning and significance are tied to how words are used, and such use occurs within some linguistic community. Only a mistaken conception of meaning could permit us to envision the possibility of a ‘language’ for one person only.” [This not quite what Wittgenstein said, but the point is useful.]

Complication 1: Suppose the inventor of Esperanto had never convinced anyone else to learn that language. Would Esperanto then be a private language in Wittgenstein’s sense? Well, no, you might say, because ‘in principle’ Esperanto could be taught to thousands of people and used fluently, which it in fact has been.

But how would such a ‘principle’ be formulated? Validated? Applied to Esperanto? What are the criteria for determining that Esperanto would or would not be a ‘real’ (non-private) language in principle, if no more than one person were ever to speak it?

Complication 2: A program written in a computer language can be understood, obviously enough, by a suitable computer program (interpreter, compiler, or assembler, for instance). And we know it’s been understood because the resulting program can execute (whether or not it executes exactly as intended). Is that computer language a ‘language’ simpliciter, or is that only a metaphor?

Complication 3: A computer language is a language if programs written in it can be read and turned into executable code by a suitable computer program. Suppose there is only one such computer program (a compiler, for example). Is that language then a private language? Or would the existence of instances of that compiler on many different machines count as making the language a ‘real’ language, when otherwise it would not be? Why?

** Actually, the intelligibility and use of programs written in the Algol language was quite independent of their translatability by machine. Many short Algol programs were published to be read by people, not compiled and executed.

Appendix: An Example of Computer Language Archaeology

A very long time ago, I was assigned to modify a user’s Honeywell H-400 assembly-language program. Digging into the code, I found its structure rather strange. Digging further, I found not only that it was an almost line-for-line translation from IBM 1401 assembly language, but that the 1401 code was itself a literal translation from wiring of the system where it had originally been developed: Not a computer, but an IBM 407 PCAM (punch-card accounting machine, or ‘tab machine’). There are many examples where human-language writings have undergone an analogous recoding process. This is called translation, of course, and the number of language layers can reach an arbitrary depth.

Russ had several bank jobs to his credit. In two of them, he had killed a bank guard and then a patrolman. Finally cornered, there is a shoot-out. Russ is mortally wounded, but does not immediately die. Medics rush him to a hospital, where his brain is extracted just before his body gives out. Authorities want to keep his consciousness alive so that he can be tried and punished. Henry, a desperately unemployed landscaper, volunteers to receive the transplant. Gradually, their thoughts entwine. Henry confesses, deeply regrets the widows, orphans.

The term originated with Lewis Carroll, who likened the effect to putting various items in a portmanteau (bag), so that there was one item, the bag.

Now, what is the most common portmanteau word in English?

My nomination:

We have the terms

• fif teen
• six teen
• seven teen
• nine teen

But we don’t have “eight teen”; we have the portmanteau word “eighteen,” where the “t” does double duty: as part of “eight,” and as meaning “plus ten,” in “teen.”

B: “Where is his army come to free us?”

C: “We have found Messiah!”

B: “Where is his armor? Where is his shield?”

D: “He heals our sins and makes the blind to see.”

B: “Where is his scepter and where is his sword?”

E: “He has made the dead to rise and walk.”

All: “How could we ever follow one like him?”

Here are some actual company names from the S&P500:

• ConocoPhillips
• MeadWestvaco
• AmerisourceBergen
• AutoNation
• BlackRock
• CenturyLink
• UnitedHealth Group
• IntercontinentalExchange

Wherewillitallend? EnoughAlready!

“As a writer, I use these words only to disturb or shock (as Lawrence did in Lady Chatterley’s Lover). Public discourse is not served by people who use these words casually or too often. Therefore, in the appropriate context, the Post should certainly use them.”

Overused, there is no bite left in these words. What then do we say we do want to shock? Many years ago, psychiatrist Robert Lindner wrote that he had seen a prison inmate killed for calling another prisoner “a motherfucker.” How times have changed. [That was the word, by the way, that got Lenny Bruce arrested in San Francisco.]

There was another hominid species, back then, perhaps a hundred thousand years ago. Beautiful people, thoughtful, loving, intelligent, brave. We killed them off, every one of them. We spend our lives trying to be like them, without knowing why or how. In dreams, we remember their greatness, how envious we were, how we HATED them.

Slowly, we come to know what we have lost.

<END>

But now, about those memories. All memories are necessarily of the past. Right? But how do we know that our memories are [actually] of the past, rather than of our present experience of events that we locate in the past?

Wittgenstein had a few things to say relevant to this conundrum:

1) Philosophical Investigations, p. 231:

“Und wie wird er in Zukunft wieder wissen, wie erinnern tut?”

which can be translated as “And how will he know again in the future what remembering feels like?”; or more literally, “And how will he in the future again know, how remembering does?”

Or these other paraphrases:

How will he know, again, how it is to remember?

And how will he know, again next time, what it is to remember?

2) Philosophical Investigations, p. 231:

“Es gibt einen Ton, eine Gebärde, die gewissen Erzählungen aus vergangenen Tagen angehören,”

which can be translated as “There is a tone, a gesture, which go with certain narratives of past time.”

3) Zettel, para 654:

“Kann man ein Erinnerungserlebnis beschreiben? — Gewiß. — Aber kann man das erinnerungshafte an diesem Erlebnis beschreiben?  Was heißt das? (Das unbeschreibliche Aroma.)”

“Can a memory-experience be described? — Certainly. — But can what is memory-like about this experience be described? What does that mean? (The indescribable aroma.)

Zettel, para 663:

“Aber wenn uns nun das Gedächtnis die Vergangenheit zeigt, wie zeigt es uns, dass es die Vergangenheit ist? /para/ Es Zeigt uns eben nicht die Vergangenheit. So wenig, wie unsere Sinne die Gegenwart.”

“But if memory shows us the past, how does it show us that it is the past? /para/ It does not show us the past. Any more than our senses show us the present.”

Zettel, para 667:

“Aber wie führe ich mir das Erinnern vor? Nun, ich frage mich ‘Wie verbrachte ich den heutigen Morgen?’ und antworte mir darauf. — Aber was habe ich mir nun eigentlich vorgeführt? War es das Erinnern? Nämlich, wie das ist, sich an etwas zu erinnern? — Hätte ich denn damit einem Andern das Erinnern vorgeführt?”

“But how do I give myself an exhibition of remembering? Well, I ask myself ‘How did I spend this morning?’ and give myself an answer. — But what have I really exhibited to myself? Remembering? That is, what it’s like to remember something? — Should I have exhibited remembering to someone else by doing that?”

[END]

A tourist family decides to put up for the night in Machiasport, a small coastal town in Maine. Where is everybody? They go out for dinner, discover that everyone in town is eating at the same restaurant. Everyone. Even invalids and the dying who must be carried there. The people all seem happy, exhilarated, even giddy. But then …

[END]

A curiosity is that “gonna” is not simply a way of saying “going to”; one would not say “I’m gonna Altoona,” even if drunk. Or if he did, the Post would surely not print it as spoken. “Going to” is really a synonym, and a poor one at that, for what Texans call “fixin’ to,” and the rest of us call “intend to,” “will [do],” etc.

With that, I’m gonna getta bottla beer.

<END>

Judas drafted a statement of policy for determining who would be supported by the group’s charities.

“First of all, of course, we must distinguish the deserving poor from those who could work at something, if suitably washed and got up in clean clothes, and energized, and motivated.

“And second, we must ask that women seeking relief diminish the number of their children, or at least undertake to produce no more.

“Third, we do ask that all applicants for assistance be fresh and eager in attitude and positive in tone, regardless of their previous condition.

“And last, we can of course only support the poor at the level at which we ourselves receive discretionary revenue; and so a budget, reflecting a responsible proportion of giving to receiving, will be proposed for your consideration.”

Judas finished reading, and looked around the table at the other twelve members of the Board. For once, Jesus had absolutely nothing to say. Judas took this as a sign of approval.

[from ...Tell No Tales: Adventures of the Dead]

<END>

“Thank you for sending me your recent solicitation.

“However, I have no interest at this time or in the future.

“Thanks again, and  Almighty God  bless your enterprise !”  [with suitable graphic]

To be fair, there are some firms that have made it a point to know that I sometimes buy outdoors equipment, and tech stuff, and classical CDs, and timepieces. These firms do not get my godly form letter. But there’s no way I need another credit card, or a car loan, or an account at XYZ bank that pays a miraculous 1.1% interest, and no reason for any financial institution to believe I do. So they’re welcome to my pious postage-due response. May it cost them more to open and discard my letter than the postage they’ll have to pay.

<END>

The poet’s reading began. He told them how he came to be there in the fishing village by the sea, of his life’s work in poetry, and at some point he was no longer chatting with the audience but reading his poems, no one knew exactly when except now he paused for nods and smiles more often; and none could tell when one poem ended and the next began, or why.

Afterward, Jesus asked the Twelve what they thought. One by one they offered their views of what the poet had attempted, how well or ill he did, and to what extent what he attempted was worth attempting.

Then Jesus said “You have all spoken of the man and his speech; but poetry is a way of listening, not a way of speaking.”

They that heard him were amazed, for he spoke as one having authority, not like the critics.

<END>

“… he insists that an ideosyncratic ‘private language’ could not be a proper language. Meaning and significance are tied to how words are used, and such use occurs within some linguistic community. Only a mistaken conception of meaning could permit us to envision the possibility of a ‘language’ for one person only.”

Complication 1: Suppose the inventor of Esperanto had never convinced anyone else to learn that language. Would Esperanto then be a private language in Wittgenstein’s sense? Well, no, you might say, because ‘in principle’ Esperanto could be taught to thousands of people and used fluently, which it in fact has been.

But how would that ‘principle’ be formulated? Validated? Applied to Esperanto? What are the criteria for determining that Esperanto would or would not be a ‘real’ (non-private) language in principle, if no more than one person were ever to speak it?

Complication 2: A program written in a computer language can be understood, obviously enough, by a suitable computer program (interpreter, compiler, or assembler, for instance). And we know it’s been understood because the resulting program can execute (whether or not it executes exactly as intended). Is that computer language a ‘language’ simpliciter, or is that only a metaphor?

Complication 3: A computer language is a language if programs written in it can be read and turned into executable code by a suitable computer program. ** Suppose there is only one such computer program (a compiler, for example). Is that language then a private language? Or would the existence of instances of that compiler on many different machines count as making the language a ‘real’ language, when otherwise it would not be? Why?

** Actually, the intelligibility and use of programs written in the Algol language was quite independent of their translatability into executable programs. Many short Algol programs were published to be read by people, not compiled and executed.

(Radden, J., On Delusion. Routledge, 2011)

<END>

<END>

EOF

In our kingdom, loyalty is rewarded. In fact, strong expressions of loyalty are expected – required. The insufficiently loyal are subject to disfavor, disgrace, imprisonment. The trick, however, is not to be too loyal. Above a certain unspecified and unpredictable level, the emperor becomes suspicious. Executions follow.

(after Ed Rehmus’ book from Contact Editions, I’m Over Here)

<END>

===

Not willing to display ignorance, of course I answered “Yeah, sure.” The other boy went away and I never saw him again.

I have been trying to find out ever since.

<END or nearly so>

A final refutation of the ontological proof, and the world suddenly

The German-Chinese Menu

<END>

“You have not chosen this particular life; indeed, no one has asked you if you need a life at all.

“But here you are. You gain some control of the body, and use the soul to grow and guide it. And with a great shudder of recognition one day you see that there are other spirits trapped in persons just as you are.

“And you see that you and they have been thrown like dice into the middle of God’s eternal game. Just as any other game there are rules, and those who win, and those who lose. One rule says that your task is to win the game for your person, and the task of every other spirit is just the same. And so there is shoving and wrenching, but your heart is not in it, for you see that there is nothing, at the end, to be won but a clot of dirt that someone else has called a trophy.

“And when your person dies the game goes on with new players to everlasting, each generation as bewildered as the one before.

“But there is a rumor that another kind of trophy can be won: that your person can live forever, somehow, in some impossible way. But your heart is not in it, for you see that there is nothing, at the end, to be won but a clot of dirt that someone else has called a throne.”

The prophet took no questions from his followers that day.

[from Tell No Tales: Adventures of the Dead - book-length MS looking for a publisher]

<END>

A court reporter, taking testimony in a murder case, suddenly understands who the real murderer was. Neither the prosecution nor the defense had figured it out.

<END>

The Semitic word Beelzebub, of course, means “Lord of Shit,” for each thing must have its god, and after Yahweh was victorious, the defeated gods were sentenced to the lowliest of domains. There is also a Lord of Slime, a Lord of Envy, a Lord of Pride, a Lord of the Plague of the Black Tongue, a Lord of Disgrace and Shame, and so on. I, too, was once a god of higher things. Of a very grand thing, actually. I was quite proud of that.

[after Piero Camporesi]

===

What’s your ideal?

On a hunch, Harold bought an old painting at an auction. He scraped off the top layer of oil, hoping to find a Rembrandt underneath. There was no Rembrandt underneath. The Rembrandt was what he scraped off.

Avoid bed-loser’s fate: Get shocked with length increase

Liquidate man’s main problem: Harddrill her today!

Drive her wild! Gigantic tool in 5 secs!

Driling her until exhaustion?Easy, if you have a pack of this male vitamin!

Want more carnal victories? This natural blend can sure make your rocket start every night!

With this you’ll easily find approach to every female you want. Say goodbye to amorous fails!

Let your zip feel tension: Be the macho-perfecto!

Shut her tiny hole: You can cry because of your weak and limp rod, or you can purchase this solution.

Watch her come over and over  Hi sweety

More moans, more peaks: Man’s charm is hardness

<END>

Everyone else is the same person; only you are different. The others look alike, seem to know the same things, love and hate the same foods. They speak in a tongue you find impossible to understand. They treat you well. They treat you very well.

No one can break our hearts again.

It was an honor to be a guest on his show. They waited off-stage during the monologue, gauging the response of the crowd. They passed a few quiet, unnecessary words. They knew they wouldn’t get the best of him in conversation, he, the master of debate, sometimes a master of abuse as well; but someone had to speak out for the old ways, for righteousness and faith.

After a short commercial break they were escorted to the stage: the scribe, then the Pharisee.

<END>

<Excerpted from “Tell No Tales: Adventures of the Dead”, a book in search of a publisher>

“So hard you can break an egg

Penis Growth Free Sample

Enhance your organ with organic wonder drugs”

[A vivid image, that foxy egg. Wouldn't this make a great scene in a David Lynch movie?]

[And as to "organ" and "organic" -- well, it just seems right.]

Two fingers, or finger and thumb, slowly spreading apart = “Speak up!”

Two fingers apart, slowly coming together = “Speak more quietly” or “shut up!”

One finger, flicking right to left = “Just get on with it!”

Forefinger tap = “Could I see the menu, please?”

<END>

Moses set up the tables of the Law in the midst of his people, so they might read what the god had commanded. Each one read with eyes and fingers probing the still-hot grooves where the god had burned his Law into stone.

They pondered and studied, discussed and argued, interpreted, wrought commentaries, and commentaries on the commentaries, and after a time they forgot that there had been anything but commentary, while the grooves in the stones of the Law slowly filled with desert sand.

or — They read a different thing, each as he wished or dreaded to see, and together they sought a reading from Moses, to settle the Law forever. And then Moses himself read the tables, probed the cold grooves with his fingers where the fire of the Lord had once burned hot, and stopped. He said something very quietly, something they couldn’t quite hear.

or — They read, tried to read, but the letters merged into each other, the words turned soft to their sight and blended into other words; hot grooves of the Law burned together: and the tablets crumbled into sand. Each one groped in the dust to carry off a commandment, a word, a letter.

or — They read the words of the Law together, aloud: I will rule you with a rod of iron. I will crush you where you stand, if you do any of the nine million things that displease me. I will make every other nation despise you.

And then they turned over the final table and read the final curse: I will preserve you as my holy nation, your children and your children’s children, forever.

Aaron and Moses observed all this and more. Finally, Aaron turned to Moses and said, Well, what did you expect when you went to the mountain? And Moses was silent.

<END>

The Darth Vader Cat Litter Box from Petco

<END>

One a year, yes. And to make sure the lesson sinks in, it could be a national holiday, the moment of death covered by the major networks and blogs, and open to public witnessing as well. On the National Mall, for instance.

But as the French learned in the Revolution, it does little good to guillotine a thief, or a rapist; especially one from the lower classes. The public tends to stay away from these, in repugnance at the low nature of the crime or the criminal. The greatest effect, they discovered, came from the execution of someone notable, such as a minister of state; or a king.

Sometimes even a god has been killed, to general approbation.

In our terms, the preceding thoughts would imply that the selected victim should be white, male, rich, and expensively educated, preferably in the law. Perhaps he has won some important prize, or has had a book written for him by some anonymous drudge.

He would be deeply mourned after death, and cast in bronze.

<END>

That’s funny. What they really mean is they will accept only stories in the genre called “literary.” It’s a sure sign of overreach when you consider yourself sui generis. “Literary” is a genre of fiction just as surely as “fantasy” or “Western.”

“But ‘genres’ are all formulaic,” you say, “whereas literary fiction is unexpected, new, creative.” Sure, most sci-fi stories are utterly predictable, written to a formula, and boring. But then, so are most “literary” stories. Raymond Carver was a genre writer, as surely as Philip K. Dick was (although Carver was a far better writer qua writer, while Dick’s sentences march to the beat of the inevitable subject-verb-object. His boring prose style is, indirectly, admitted by those who write studies of his work [see, for example, Christopher Palmer’s Philip K. Dick: Exhilaration and the Terror of the Postmodern. Liverpool University Press, 2003, page 23].) Where was I? Oh, yes. The dreaded epiphany.

“Literary” stories are dominated, and have been for some time, by the “epiphany”; the telling moment when the protagonist recognizes something about himself that the reader has been carefully coached to know all along. How predictable! Whenever I find an epiphany I feel cheated: that’s not the story I was reading; that’s someone’s psychotherapy. I’ll have my own psychotherapy, thank you.

But not all literary work is formulaic; only the followers are formulaic. The true originals are there, and celebrated: Beckett [my favorite]; Kafka; Robbe-Grillet; Blake; Walter Abish; Pynchon; Borges; Aeschylus; Robert Coover; Huysmans; Jeannette Winterson; Jean Baudrillard [not much of a philosopher, but a wonderful writer, especially in his journals]; Erving Goffman [forgettable prose style, but brilliant concepts; and, as in Jean Renoir’s films, a brutal hilarity underlies a calm exterior]; and many others.

Can a true original be someone who writes sci-fi, or horror, or fantasy? Certainly; remember Jonathan Swift? But not these days. Publication venues cherish their formulas. So where does the outsider go now?

<END>

I have already forgotten this.

“Never complain, never explain” has been credited to Lee Iacocca, but it originated in a slightly longer saying of Thoreau’s.

One who complains has already lost.

Complaining is a sign of weakness; it’s the bark of the dog who didn’t get the bone. [Yes, ‘who.’]

The difference between complaining and objecting is the difference between whining and standing your ground.

<END>

– Terence Kuch

<END>

Some add their stone to the foundation, others just throw rocks.

<END>

– Terence Kuch

<END>

I saw the eyes.

– Terence Kuch

<previously published in the periodical Perhaps I Am Wrong About the World.>

“[Publication name] absolutely will not publish any stories that include the following:

 [1] Pedophilia

[2] Incest (unless a historical set in an ancient setting like Egypt or some fantasy stories)

[3] Necrophilia (this doesn’t apply to the Undead—like vampires)

[4] Gratuitous rape or rape intended to titillate (rape as necessary for the plot and presented in a non-titillating fashion will be considered)

[5] Snuff

[6] Scat or golden showers

[7] Bestiality (shapeshifters in human form is [sic] okay)

[8] Material that discriminates or displays extreme prejudice against another race, gender or sexual orientation.”

Let’s see, now: there are some illegal activities here: Pedophilia, Incest, Snuff (except, presumably, in an undeclared war the President has authorized), “non-titillating” rape (what?), bestiality.  Some of the other activities aren’t illegal at all, especially including “extreme prejudice.”

The stated exceptions are very funny: what shape-shifters, vampires, and ancient Egyptians (but not today’s Egyptians) do in the privacy of their homes or woods or caves … is OK. Shape-shifters are especially OK, because if the wolf-form is blamed for bestiality (with an ungulate?) it can change into a coyote, and go a-sniffing for members of that delectable species.

But – what kind of activity could be illegal to do but legal to write about in fiction? Well, almost every kind of illegal activity. So why is such writing prohibited by a magazine? (It’s odd that child-porn is not included in this publication’s list, because it’s almost the only example of an activity that’s both illegal and (in many media, especially pictorial) illegal to portray, even in cartoon form.)

No, I don’t like “scat” – it’s disgusting. But writing about it shouldn’t be prohibited. Likewise with many of the other topics on the list.

Most bothersome is #8. Is it always “prejudice” to be opposed to a specific race, or gender, or sexual orientation? Can’t there be principled reasons why someone could be opposed to certain groups? Many Christians are opposed to the very idea of homosexuality (I’m not, but then I’m not a Christian). Isn’t that their right? Why should their publication opportunities be so limited as to be non-existent?

<END>

[“It is easier to raise a shrine than bring the deity down to haunt it.” --Beckett]

After taxes that pre-humbled our people for practice, after importing marble at great cost and fighting off tribes to bring it here, and after many crushed limbs in the building of it, and the spiremaker’s falling-death – we built the shrine.

Even from the day of cornerstone and speech the gods were there among us shouting, boistering, cajoling the stonemasons on, eager for the altar’s gift to fill their brimming lips.

- Terence Kuch

<END>

Dearest in Christ

From his precious bleeding site, and with a warm heart I offer my friendship and greetings as I have been directed, hoping this mail meets you in a stable health. …. I make this proposal to you as a person of integrity who I was to contact via a REVELATION that was given to me in a trance from heaven.

…. I am a native of Finland I have no kids my hubby is dead I do not have any close relations but have been directed by the LORD to inform you of his Will to have you as his servant .I have contacted you as someone that can be trusted to use my funds for the lords purpose and his children. …. I prayed to the LORD to put me through to the right path, who then led me to you in a miraculous way. I have contacted you to assist in using my wealth for the development of his kingdom work, I want us to act fast and have this fund out of the security company before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the Security Company when I die. I seek your consent to present you as my next of kin. So that the proceeds of this consignment valued at US$ 10.5 million dollars (Ten Million Five Hundred Thousand United

…. Faith, Honesty, Commitment and Trust is our watch word.

Waiting to hear from you
Remain Blessed.
In His Service
Sarah

<END>

“Hold your arms just so,” he said. “Hands relaxed, fingers just a little apart. That’s it, almost. Study the diagrams in the text; practice. Tomorrow’s lesson is at 10. Are we bringing these miracles about, or is it all just coincidence? I have another student now; I can’t take time to answer questions. No, you’ll have to ask one of the wise men. I studied praxis, not theory. Opinions vary. There are different schools of thought. Myself, I think it’s better not to ask: we wave our arms at the specified times; the miracles occur.”

- Terence Kuch

A federal civil lawsuit filed Tuesday alleges that a former Hyattsville police officer last year pistol-whipped a man who had advised him not to drive so fast in a residential area.

The lawsuit, filed in U.S. District Court in Greenbelt, says that Todd O. Prawdzik, who at the time was a Hyattsville officer, knocked Matthew J. Crouch unconscious. Prawdzik then charged Crouch with second-degree assault, even though Crouch, who is 32 now, never attacked or threatened the officer, according to the lawsuit.

Prawdzik and other Hyattsville officers attended a court hearing for Crouch and followed him and his relatives in an effort to intimidate Crouch, the lawsuit alleges.

Prince George’s County prosecutors later dropped the assault charge against Crouch, according to court records and William F. Hickey III, Crouch’s attorney

“It’s an egregious example of police misconduct,” Hickey said in an interview.

Efforts to reach Prawdzik were unsuccessful.

<END>

For instance.

- Terence Kuch

(Published in Tales of Blood and Roses)

<END>

FROM THE DESK OF HON. HON. DANTEX OMAR

DEPUTY GOVERNOR OF CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA

LAGOS-NIGERIA.

ATTN: HONORABLE FUND BENEFICIARY

On behalf of the entire staff of Central Bank of Nigeria, and the Federal Government of Nigeria in collaborated with the Authorities, who are in charge of foreign contract payments. We Apologies for the delay of your Contract/inheritant/lotto payment, the Inconveniences and Inflict that we might have indulge you through.

However, we are having some minor problems with our payment system which have demoralized us, also have caused a lot of predicament to this organization, which is Inexplicable? And have held us Indolent, not having the perseverance and Aspiration to devote our 100% standard Assiduity in accrediting foreign contract payments. Once again, Our Apologies for all inconveniences.

I wish to inform you now that the square peg is now in square hole, and can be voguish for that your payment is being processed and will be released to you upon your respond to this letter. Also note that from my record in my file your outstanding contract/inheritant/lotto payment is 20 million dollars.

Kindly get back to me the followings:  …. [identification] ….

Base on money-laundering and fraudelents art that is going on in Nigeria here, the Federal government of Nigeria has set a monitary group called (EFCC) Economics and Financial Crime Commission In conjuction with F.B.I and Inter-Pole of United state to monitor any foreign transfer.

Congratulations in advance.

<END>

The great flood arrives on schedule. Only I am saved, drifting in my small boat, barely a dinghy. I see the others, those who did not prepare. They are beneath the surface of shifting waters, acting as if nothing has happened, swimming to work, dining on fronds.

Only I am drowned.

– Terence Kuch

[published in Ballista (UK)]

We need a serious and wide-ranging discussion of how many people our planet should be carrying. We are at about seven billion now. Is that ideal? How about eight billion (we’re getting there fast). Is that ideal? First, we need to ask what we want to achieve, as a human race, on a continuing basis for centuries into the future (science, the arts, flourishing of human and other species, etc.). Then, plus or minus a few hundred million, how many people are needed to achieve these goals (the lower bound) and how many would be so many as to prevent these goals from being attained (the higher bound). I believe we’ve already far surpassed the higher bound, but opinions may differ. In any case, it would be useful to hear candidate numbers for an ideal human population size.

– Terence Kuch

             The air is failing. It now ends 18 feet above street level; only the first two floors of each building can be inhabited. When one of us needs something from a higher floor, some object forgotten in the throes of catastrophe, he holds his breath and dashes upstairs. He clutches his chest and searches hurriedly for the desired object, then comes running down again and lies gasping on the floor. Or perhaps he fails to return in time and becomes one of those objects we encounter on the upper floors, when we dare adventure there.

– Terence Kuch

<END>

PS: If I’m not here tomorrow it wasn’t a scam.

=============================

Hello,

This is the only way I could contact you for now, I want you to be very careful about this and keep this secret with you until I make out space for us to see. You have no need of knowing who I am or where I am from. I know this may sound very surprising to you but it’s the situation. I have been paid some ransom in advance to terminate you with some reasons listed to me by my employer. It’s someone I beleive you call a friend, I have followed you closely for a while now and have seen that you are innocent of the accusations he leveled against you. Do not contact the police or try to send a copy of this to them, because if you do, I will know, and I might be pushed to do what I have been paid to do. Besides, this is the ist time I turn out to be a betrayer in my job. I took pity on you, that is why I have made up my mind to help you if you are willing to help yourself.

Now listen, I will arrange for us to see face to face, but before that, I need $30,000. I will come to your home or you determine where you wish we meet; I repeat, do not arrange for the cops and if you play hard to get, it will be extended to your family. Do not set any camera to cover us or set up any tape to record our conversation, my employer is in my control now. Payment details will be provided for you to make a part payment of $15,000 first, which will serve as gurantee that you are ready to you co-orperate, then i will post a copy of the video tape that contains his request for me to terminate you which will be enough evidence for you to take any legal action against him before he employs another person for the job. You will pay the balance of $15,000 once you receive the tape

Warning: do not contact the police, make sure you stay indoors once it is 7.30pm until this whole thing is sorted out, if you neglect any of these warnimgs, you will have yourself to blame. You do not have much time, so get back to me immediately.

Note: I will advise you keep this to yourself alone, not even a friend or a family member should know about it because it could be one of them.

Tick Tock

<END>

            “I’m not a serial killer,” he said. “I never meant to be one, at least; that’s not my self image. A serial killer never stops till he’s caught, isn’t that what they say? Not me. I’ll stop. I’m just looking for Mr. Right.” He looked me up and down, smiling.

– Terence Kuch

<END>

Do young children understand intention months before they understand accident? There has probably been some relevant research.

Perhaps our long-ago ancestors evolved a primitive kind of reasoning, recognizing cause and effect and intentionality, and then later came to the more advanced recognition that, although events are caused, some are caused by no one and to no purpose. Accidents, in other words.

Hypothesis: The concept of God came about in such a primitive time. If an earthquake collapsed caveman-Zog’s cave, killing him, it couldn’t have been an accident, since the tribe didn’t yet have the concept “accident.” None of the tribesmen could possibly be to blame – so a great power of some kind must have intended Zog to be killed. And where there is intention, there must be mind. Big mind in this case, capable of shaking the earth and destroying Zog’s cave. God.

<END>

–Terence Kuch

<END>

Metro brawl coverage discouraged candor about race

Post ombudsman Andrew Alexander noted on Sunday that “Although The Post’s coverage . . . did not specify the racial makeup of those involved” in the Aug. 6 fracas on the subway, “many readers assumed they were black and offered racially insensitive online comments” ["Brawl on the Metro: Where was the coverage?" Aug. 15].

Well, if The Post won’t report the facts, readers are bound to make assumptions.

If The Post finds some of the resulting assumptions distasteful, then The Post will just have to start telling readers the truth. This applies to race just as much as it applies to anything else.

– Terence Kuch, Falls Church

“New Fruit and Maple Oatmeal is a taste explosion for your morning. Topped with crisp, fresh apples, plump raisins and sweet cranberries, it’s wholesome, warming and oh-so-yummy.” [verbatim – ad printed on the side of a McDonald’s cup]

Depending on how you parse this, these two sentences together contain as many as 13 adjectives or predicate nominatives (which also modify nouns) out of 29 total words.

Someone at McDonald’s must believe that adjectives sell, that they add specificity, that they add imagery to what would otherwise be a dull passage about a boring food.

The early edition was full of dreadful news. Those who crept aboard the train at 7 o’clock, clutching their newspapers, were grim-faced and somber. They made hurried plans to take their money from the bank and have a last desperate fling; or to tell their fathers, finally, just what they thought of them.

The late edition beamed with joy: all the stocks up, all the plays hits, all the troops home. The 9 o’clock commuters spilled from their trains dancing, hugging complete strangers, hugging themselves. They noticed the bodies of the earlier commuters, impaled by despair; but their own frenzy of delight was in no way dimmed.

- Terence Kuch

- Terence Kuch

His name was erased from the public monuments. There is a rough-gouged gap in the list of hospital donors carved into the waiting-room wall.

He is a familiar figure in our  village, shambling about. We may not approach him in the marketplace, but we may silently serve him. We would like to speak with him, but it is forbidden. If he were to ask a question of us, we would silently shrug. His last question was long ago. It still hangs in the air.

His wives have other husbands, now; his children, other names.

No one remembers the cause for which he was shunned. The omitted man himself is vague about it, no longer knows if he committed the acts he was accused of, or not. He has thought about them so intensely, for so many years, that he might as well be guilty.

It is possible that these acts, whatever they were, have long ago ceased to be crimes. Perhaps those who perform them, now, are given medals and ribbons, long scrolls of thanks from a grateful republic.

– Terence Kuch

“Members of One Mind Ministries denied a 16-month-old boy food and water because he did not say “Amen” at mealtimes. After he died, they prayed over his body for days, expecting a resurrection, then packed it into a suitcase with mothballs. They left it in a shed in Philadelphia, where it remained for a year before detectives found it last spring.

“The boy’s mother, Ria Ramkissoon, has agreed to plead guilty to a lesser charge on one condition: The charges against her must be dropped if her son, Javon Thompson, is resurrected.

“Psychiatrists who evaluated Ramkissoon at the request of a judge concluded that she was not criminally insane. Her attorney, Steven Silverman, said the doctors found that her beliefs were indistinguishable from religious beliefs.

“”She wasn’t delusional, because she was following a religion,” Silverman said, describing the findings of the doctors’ psychiatric evaluation.”

<END>

– Terence Kuch

– Carl Sagan, Intelligent Life in the Universe [paraphrase]

<END>

The breakthrough will occur when people start to address each other by number rather than name. Already it’s a joke. And the jokes are numbered, too.

<END>

“CRIME REPORT

“North St., 10300 block, 1:47p.m. June 15. A Global Positioning System device and battery jumper cables were stolen from an unlocked vehicle.”

– be on the lookout for a car with a dead battery that doesn’t know where it is.

- Terence Kuch

- – - -   For any event e, can we say that beginning at a time t there is no difference in the state of the world whether e had happened or not? Not just no detectable difference, but no difference, period.

If so, then t must be very brief … instantaneous … without a time dimension. But how could that be? How, even in principle, could we ever know that the t of a particular event e has been reached?

<END>

“Ah,” it said, “again it has happened. There will be no more time, now, until later. How much later I cannot say, but for now there is no more time. If they would move me away from this infernal tree I could tell the time a longer time each day. VII? VIII? Who knows?

“The night – the night terrifies me.”

I turned back to my drink, bored with its little mind, its one complaint.

– Terence Kuch

1. What kinds of fiction do you write?

If Congress fails to increase the debt limit (which may well happen, like World War I, by inadvertence), I haven’t seen any discussion in the Post about what debts will and will not be paid, or payment delayed. There should be a broad debate, in Congress and among economists, not to mention the public, about who might have to take a haircut, and by how much.

As you wrote today, 53 percent of U.S. T-bills are held by foreigners. The interest on these T-bills (not necessarily the principal) would seem to me the most obvious priority for debt rescheduling.

I invest in corporate bonds, both U.S. and overseas, and know there’s always I chance I could lose some or all of my money. Part of the return on these bonds is to pay me to take that risk. T-bills should not be immune to risk, and apparently they aren’t!

Thank you for your always-excellent columns.

What should non-Christians do when confronted with beings of evil intent, e.g., Christian missionaries? Are they really evil? They are, after all, after your souls. If they would just settle for your wallet and cell phone like more practical assailants, it wouldn’t be so bad.

Atheists are sadly mistaken if they think they can just laugh off these emissaries. If only atheism were true …

It might at least make us feel better if we had our own protective gesture, even though ultimately it would have no more real effect than crossing ourselves.

But what gesture? No, that that one; that’s just crude. We need a more serious sign.

How about the ASL sign for “go”? (see www.lifeprint.com for an illustration)

<END>

Can the past be changed? Surely not, you say: What’s done is done. But consider: The ‘what’s done is done’ argument assumes that there’s a past that’s still in existence, somehow, as the gold standard of ‘what happened.’ If we could just travel back in time, we’d know for sure, because everything that happened is still ‘there’ – somehow; it’s no longer accessible to us, but that’s only because time-travel is impossible.

But the past isn’t ‘there’; whatever happened is gone. If the past isn’t still ‘there’ to be researched, like some Roman ruin, then the past is whatever we decide it is – based on archaeology, old documents, opinions, dreams, revelations, prophecies.

<END>

— Intelligent Life in the Universe [paraphrased]

<END>

– Terence Kuch

“Maple Ave. E. 100 block, 5:10 to 5:30 p.m., Oct. 23 [2009]. A man argued with a woman in an express checkout line in a grocery store because she had more than 12 items in her basket. Outside, the woman saw the man coming toward her as she loaded her groceries into her car, and she got into the car and closed the door. The man opened the door and took one of her grocery items, saying that he was going to take something of hers because she took some of his time. The man fled before police arrived.”

– Washington Post, 5 November 2009, ‘Local Living Fairfax’ section, page 38.

[‘fled’ in this context is police-talk for ‘left the scene’.]

<END>

– Terence Kuch

– Drew Westbrook, foam installer in Houston, whose character formed the basis for the film ‘Urban Cowboy’.

Washington Post Magazine, Dec. 14, 1980

– Terence Kuch

CRIME REPORT

“Parcher Ave., 13400 block. Six hats and an iPhone were stolen from a business.”

<END>

“The political style of Hitler and other Nazi leaders was to issue general guidelines and to expect subordinates to find the ways to realize them. This meant that participants in Nazi crimes, both before and during the war, acted as creative conformists.”

“Hitler[‘s] …political style required of the Germans not just obedience but initiative, and showing how the pattern of creative conformity established before 1939 enabled bloody escalation during the war.”

<END>

“A honeymoon in Cairo,

In a brand new autogyro
Then off to Rio for a drink
We’ll settle down in Dallas
In a little plastic palace

Oh it’s not as crazy as you think.”

Yes, it wasn’t crazy. Except for the Dallas part, maybe.

The mid/late 1960’s was the heyday of the crystal ball. America’s post-war dreams had become the dream of scholars such as Herman Kahn of the Hudson Institute. I collected several volumes of their ponderings back then, thinking that if I were to live into the 20xx years I’d look back on how well their predictions held up.

Well, now it’s now, and now I did.

The various prognosticators tended to be defensive, back in the ‘60’s; they thought that people like me would laugh at their vision of the future. Actually, their predictions tended to be largely accurate as to detail (especially those of the amazing John R. Pierce), with a few exceptions. (One exception: by the year 2000 we’d all have individualized underground transport, apparently a kind of tunneled Zipcar system.)

These fortune-tellers did well on the details; but the common thread is that they didn’t grasp the significance of the trends they clearly foresaw. For example, more than one writer remarked on the increasing concentration of CO2 in the atmosphere – but didn’t predict global warming. And worldwide instantaneous communications were coming – but they didn’t foresee the Internet, or social media. Captain (later Admiral) Grace Hopper predicted that tiny computers would be everywhere, in all kinds of devices – but didn’t see the enormous technical and social changes that would result.

So: 40 years from now, what will the future hold for those trends we can see now: climate change, social media, genetic tinkering, a world of nine+ billion people, etc. etc.? Stay tuned. Whatever happens, we’ll be surprised.

<END>

But once in a while, there is pre-existing knowledge in a dream; something you know but did not experience. Last night, I knew, in my dream, that I was in Moscow. But it didn’t look like Moscow; the place could have passed for Philadelphia. No one was speaking Russian, or even had one of those bad movie-Russian accents. No one said “Here in Moscow,  …”. How did I “know” I was in Moscow? This dream-fact was based on nothing that occurred in the dream itself.

So how ….. ?

It was possible, then, that the Party, having achieved its primary aim, would become less important, since Nazis were in firm control of the machinery of government, and mass agitation and violence were no longer needed.

But instead, the Party became, in effect, the government, and the Government [with a capital ‘G’] per se, became largely irrelevant. We can call this “Phase 2.”

The Party, through its existing officers and organization, ruled the country for only a few years. Then the Party largely lapsed into irrelevance. Power now flowed directly from the Leader, person to person rather than from one level of Party cadre to the next. (“Rule of men, not laws.”) This personalization of power was called the Führerprinzip, literally “leader principle.” Power was centered in men who were Nazis, but not in the Nazi Party itself. We can call this “Phase 3.”

Germans, dating from long before Hitler, had developed a preference for formal organization at all levels. Such varied organizations as card-players’ clubs, hikers’ groups, and universities had their own constitution, bylaws, and elected officers. In accordance with the Führerprinzip, many such groups formally revoked their constitutions and agreed to be ruled by a Leader. This action aligned them, ‘philosophically,’ with the Führer himself, Adolf Hitler. Leaders were not elected, but either self-selected, or appointed by the next higher level of Leader.

Leaders appointed sub-leaders, who appointed sub-sub-leaders, etc., in all spheres of life. Thus a form of organization came about. But it was a personal organization: The leaders’ orders were to be obeyed, rather than the laws. There were, in effect, no laws anymore, only decrees. As there was often no neat hierarchy of Leaders, much jostling and shoving (both metaphorical and real) ensued.

Scholarly studies of the Reich seldom mention the Führerprinzip except in passing. But it was a striking feature of German life in the period 1932-1945.

When the Führerprinzip is mentioned by historians, it is often said to have been derived from the organization of the Roman Catholic Church, or even from the doctrine of Papal infallibility. But whatever the inspiration, the Führerprinzip was very different in practice. (1) Canon law used in the Church is a codified and comprehensive system of laws, slow to change. The Führerprinzip was not a system of laws, was not codified, and its application was constantly in a state of flux for these very reasons. (2) Papal infallibility does not affect the governance of the church, but rather its teaching (doctrine). The Führerprinzip had little to do with doctrine, except the principle itself. Also, the Leader’s claims on his followers did not arise from being infallible, but just from being in charge.

<END>

1) “Reply all” email in response to, and criticizing, someone else’s “reply all” email, on the grounds that “reply all” is being abused.

2) A policeman in Pakistan who had arrested a woman for “uttering blasphemy” couldn’t tell reporters what the blasphemy was, he said, or he would be just as guilty as she.

3) Letter to the Washington Post, May 28, 2011 asking the Post to declare “a six-month moratorium on the use of” the cliche “double down”, and of course using this term in the process of complaining about people using it.

4) The pot calling the kettle black.

More examples are welcome.

“[Agent Smith:] We’re willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start, and all that we’re asking in return is your co-operation in bringing a known terrorist to justice.

“[Neo:] Yeah…Wow, that sounds like a really good deal. But I think I’ve got a better one. How about I give you the finger, [Neo does so] and you give me my phone call.”

Quite a few centuries earlier, God offered Abram [Abraham] what sounded like a really good deal, too:

“And I will establish my covenant between me and thee and thy seed after thee throughout their generations for an everlasting covenant, to be a God unto thee and to thy seed after thee. And I will give unto thee, and to thy seed after thee, the land of thy sojournings, all the land of Canaan, for an everlasting possession; and I will be their God. And God said unto Abraham, And as for thee, thou shalt keep my covenant, thou, and thy seed after thee throughout their generations. This is my covenant, which ye shall keep, between me and you and thy seed after thee: every male among you shall be circumcised. [etc. etc.]  –Genesis 17: 7-10 (ASV); see also Genesis chapters 13-15)

To Abraham, the deal must have sounded too good to be true. Actually, it was. Abraham, suitably overawed by God, didn’t think to make the same response Neo did. And so the Law.

Hello Dear Chosen one,

Please excuse me for all the inconveniences my mail could cause you. I have the pleasure to expose to you my predicaments.

[And it goes on, exposing us to his predicaments, and offering to make us rich by simply cooperating in an illegal scheme.]

=====

Baarn, 15-II-66

Dear Mr. Kuch,

The book “Graphic Works ….” is out of print. A new edition will be ready probably next April. It will contain 70 reproductions, giving a nearly complete survey of my graphic work since 1937.

Yours sincerely, M.C. Escher

=====

Baarn, August 3, 1966

Dear Mr. Kuch,

Thank you for thinking of me when you saw [Rowland B.] Wilson’s cartoon in the New Yorker. It is curious indeed that they published it one month after Martin Gardner’s article in Scientific American about my work.

This was the third time the cartoon was send me from the U.S.

Yours sincerely, M.C. Escher

=====

Baarn, October 5, 1966

Dear Mr. Kuch,

Many thanks for your letter of Oct. 1, with enclosed photo of an Alhambra periodic wall decoration. I know it since long: copied it, with many others, when I was there in y 36.

Yours sincerely, M.C. Escher

=====

Baarn, July 25, 1967

Dear Mr. Kuch,

…. Many thanks for the rubbing you made of the bathroom window of that old New York – hotel! It’s an amusing pattern, which of course I know very well. Is it not surprising that these patterns were made since long.

I do not remember if I told you that a book, with 40 of my patterns appeared some years ago. The title is: “Symmetry Aspects of M.C. Escher’s Periodic Drawings”, with scientific texts by Prof. C.H. MacGillivry.

Some weeks ago a new edition of my book, with 70 (instead of 40) illustrations, appeared at Meredith Press, 250 Park Av. New York, N.Y. 10017. “The Graphic Works of M.C. Escher”.

Yours sincerely, M.C. Escher

=====

<END>

Bloggers and magazine reviewers who would like a review(-only) copy of the novel, please email the author at terencekuch /at/ hotmail.com.

Here’s the blurb: “Duane Rondo, disgraced high-ranking police official, now runs a top-secret anti-terrorist operation near Washington, D.C. Rondo and his cybercops have a license to find out everything–about everyone. Performing a routine vetting of Sybille Haskin, a Cabinet nominee, he discovers that she has a totally unblemished record.“No one’s perfect,” he says, “But Haskin is perfect. Never an overdue library book. Never a parking ticket. Nothing. What the hell?”  “I just don’t believe in perfection,” Rondo says. “If perfection is possible, then the rest of us are crooks and sinners. And our rationale for letting our quota of blunders just slide by is gone. If she’s 100% clean, then all the rest of us are dirty. Guilty. Worthy to lose our jobs, our lives, maybe our country. Just what the Enemy wants,” he says, referring to an even more dangerous successor to Al-Qaida. Rondo suspects that Haskin’s data has been scrubbed clean, perhaps by the Enemy. Driven by his need to know that no one is perfect, Rondo intervenes personally in the Haskins investigation, meets her under false pretenses, becomes involved with her, and himself becomes a target of a conspiracy that is, with or without her knowledge, determined to get her into the government by any means needed.”

(When you wash upon a star?)

…………………………………………………

[2]  In 1963, in New Orleans, I saw a laundromat with: “White Only” painted on the door. Now if that weren’t so grimly awful, it might even be funny …

<END>

“My name is Mrs. Taiba OUDIQUA, and I am a banker. It is true that we have not met each others in person, but I strongly believe that no trust, no friendship in every business.” [The email continues with the usual inveiglements.]

<END>

“Advocate” is a transitive verb. That is, it takes a direct object such as “lower taxes”, as in “He advocated lower taxes.”

Use of “advocate” as an intransitive verb (“She advocates for …”, etc.) isn’t good English. Even the fourth edition of the American Heritage Dictionary, which is considerably more liberal than earlier editions, recognizes the verb “advocate” as transitive only. (Of course “advocate” can be a noun as well.)

But, you say, language changes; this is one of those changes. Therefore it is acceptable.

My answer is that a language change is acceptable if it enhances our ability to communicate with clarity, vigor, or concision. “Advocate”, as an intransitive verb, does none of these.

Wouldn’t “Clinton … has advocated gay rights” have been clearer, shorter, – better?

<END>

“Backing out from between two SUVs: yes, slowly. But I also use my four-way flashers, especially at night and in garages. It seems to help alert other drivers as to what I’m doing.”

—–

“Thanks, Terence, I like that idea. What you saw in the paper was a reproduction from my online chat on Monday. During the chat, I got many more comments from readers on this backing-in topic than I was able to publish. I suppose it sounds like a small thing compared to the future of Metro, or whether we should build more High Occupancy Toll lanes, but it clearly was something that many readers cared about and had thought about.”

<END>

“In your March 9 editorial about tapping the Strategic Petroleum Reserve [“A crude idea”] you said that historically, “presidents have tapped the reserve to cope with acts of God (hurricanes Ivan and Katrina) . . . .” Hurricanes are not “acts of God.” They can be described as “acts of nature” or “extraordinary events” or the like, but, since there is no evidence of a “God,” the events are definitely not “acts of God.” It might take insurance companies a long time to eliminate the terminology, but The Post should do it right now.”

TK: Have you ever noticed that “acts of God” are all really bad stuff, like tsunamis and volcanic eruptions? They’re also big stuff. A one-inch snowfall isn’t an “act of God”, but a 36-inch snowfall could be, if it causes enough disruption. Where’s the boundary? And if an old woman in Des Moines suddenly finds herself cured of metastatic cancer, that might or might not be a miracle, but no one would call it an “act of God”, especially the insurance companies.

“Acts of God” is right. There is a God. And He’s pissed.

<END>

I was a programmer when the original IBM commercial operating systems were introduced. They were called “BOS 16K Disk” and “BOS 16K Tape” (resided on a tape drive, believe it or not, and swapped code in and out of main memory — very clumsy.) B[for 'Basic']OS 16K Disk evolved into DOS ['Disk Operating System'] ** and a year or so later the full OS was completed and introduced, colloquially called “Big OS”. These OSs did only the most basic stuff, like allowing multiple programs to run concurrently. Anyway, I and my programmer buddies just HATED Big OS because it stood between us and the computer. No more could we just cut code and run it at the machine level.

So, where this is going is that years later, Tron showed up the evil OS (“MCP”) as the heartless tyrant we’d all struggled with and against, and finally given into but never loved.

** TOS was abandoned by IBM shortly thereafter.

<END>

Dozens of times I’ve bought from an Amazon partner (through Amazon), and all but one time I was completely satisfied. But no, I don’t “share my experiences” anymore. Why? Because that one time when I had a problem with a supplier and wrote an honest evaluation, Amazon promptly emailed me asking — almost insisting — that I change my negative evaluation to positive.

I didn’t. And I stopped, then and there, responding to their requests to rate my transactions.

[1] “There should never, ever be semi colon’s in dialog, please take them all out, use regular commas or make separate sentences. Thank you.”

TK: The errors here are minor, but when they’re being made by a copy editor, you begin to wonder.  First, putting a blank space between “semi” and “colon” should never, ever be done. Normally, “semicolon” is one word. At most, a hyphenated version (“semi-colon”) could be valid. Second, “colon’s” should be “colons” – elementary grammar.  Third, the comma after “dialog” should be a period.  Fourth, the comma in “out, use” is improper. Read “out. Use” or “out, and use”

[2] “Put Duane’s comment’s in regular font, unless this is mental telepathy”

TK: “comment’s” should be “comments.” And  “mental telepathy” is redundant. What other kind of telepathy is there? (If there is any kind of telepathy at all.)

From the piece of fiction: “I got desperate, gave the jimmy some body English, and the door to the office popped open.”

[3] Editor’s comment: “… somebody English …  [perhaps the butler?]“

TK: What? “body English” is ordinary American slang, and has been around since 1908. See www.merriam-webster.com.

And the editor has more on the “jimmy” line”:

[4] “It’s correlation to the story and all?”

TK: That’s “Its,” not “It’s.”

<END>

“Dear Friend, …

“It is my sincere pleasure at this moment to exhibit my total trust bestowed on you in accordance to my Proposed partnership relationship with you of which I am fully convinced that you will really welcome my partnership with you in this transaction Being very sceptically about dealing with Africans in such transaction, Ranging from the height of fraudulent activities encompassing the African communities. Now it is my Godly nursed intention to prove myself to you that I am very much different from others which you must have come across.

“I hereby attested my accepted conclusion to take upon my gentle self and to join hands together to cover any unforeseen expenses that may be involved here till the Final Transfer of the Funds to our Correspondent Bank before its Final remittance into your Nominated Bank Account.

“This is to convince you of my spirited acceptance to have you as a confidant in a business of this magnitude knowing that you will not turn me down come-what-may, regarding this Claim/Transfer to boost my planned establishment of a funding Company out of Africa. …

“I look forward for your immediately Positive responds through this Email Address:  …”

<END>

1. When did you first consider yourself a writer?

When I retired. For years I had planned to do two things in my retirement: write fiction and hike in the mountains. Now I do each, frequently.

2. What do you do for fun and relaxation?

Write. Develop concepts and plots. Think about characters. Watch sci-fi and horror films.

3. Do you think you’ll ever retire from writing?

Yes. Feet-first.

4. Where do you see yourself as a writer ten years in the future?

Cult writer without a cult.

5. What are you working on now?

A horror story about a robot who’s a lot nicer than the protagonist.

6. Provide information about your current work in progress.

See #5.

7. What do you hope to write in the future?

My fourth novel.

8. What can readers look for next from you?

Google me. Since I have a unique name [with one exception -- but he's my cousin], all the sick, misanthropic fiction you find for “Terence Kuch” is mine.

9. Where can readers/fans see about you? (Provide website or blog)

www.terencekuch.com records my irresponsible opinions about language, fiction, and other topics.

<END>

– Washington Post, 17 March 2011

[Reminds me of: "Why do I have to be Mr. Pink?" - the Steve Buscemi character in Reservoir Dogs.]

<END>

“Authorities are still trying to figure out Monday why a call about a suspected robbery at a salvage yard in rural southwest Virginia led to a shootout with deputies a day earlier.”

(Actually, it’s time viewing here, not time travel. The difference is explained [unbelievably] in the film Paycheck, adapted from a Philip K. Dick story.)

<END>

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<END>

“Today’s kick in the head is tomorrow’s treasured memory.”

(Likely to have originally appeared in Datamation magazine — author long forgotten (too bad!))

But the idea that God kills U.S. soldiers is truly stupid; service members are just the kind of healthy, vigorous breeding stock that He wants to see more of on the farm, not fewer. And they’re good eatin’, too.

<END>

What if there were a piece of music so cunningly conceived that anyone who hears it will keep hearing it — forever? Sounds like a great concept for a sci-fi story. Although perhaps that idea has been used. Over and over and over.

<END>

Consider how carefully McDonald’s composes their advertising messages. The result isn’t great, but it’s been tested for effectiveness. Like this one, from a MacDonald’s soft drink cup:

“New Fruit and Maple Oatmeal is a taste explosion for your morning. Topped with crisp, fresh apples, plump raisins and sweet cranberries, it’s wholesome, warming and oh-so-yummy.”

Depending on how you parse this, these two sentences together contain as many as 13 adjectives or predicate nominatives (which also modify nouns) out of 29 total words.

Someone at McDonald’s must believe that adjectives sell, that they add imagery to what would otherwise be a dull passage about a boring food. They’re probably right.

<END>

“Drunk In Public, 100 blk W Broad St , On Jan 23, 2:23AM.  A 30 year old Conyers , GA , woman was observed by an officer appearing intoxicated. She was arrested for Public Drunkenness.”

<END>

Rethinking ‘alien’

Regarding Andrew Alexander’s Jan. 9 Ombudsman column, “Immigration language wars”:

“Illegal”, “undocumented” and similar terms miss the main point: the people in question are citizens of other countries (except for a few who may be stateless) and have no allegiance to the United States. I find it alarming that there are millions of people here whose lawful allegiance is to countries whose policies may from time to time conflict with ours.

There is a word for this condition: “alien.” There’s no shame in being an alien; I’m one whenever I visit another country.

– Terence Kuch, Falls Church

[Thanks to the Post's Ombudsman, Andrew Alexander, for suggesting that I send this on to the Post's editorial team.]

“A Reliable Source item in the Nov. 8 Style section, about the “gift vault” where the State Department stores presents to be given to foreign dignitaries, referred to a baseball bat autographed by the New York Yankees’ Derek Jeter as a basketball bat.”

<END>

1 Newcomers to America who don’t speak English end up having to take the most undesirable jobs.

2 “Undesirable” means minimum wage — but there are many minimum-wage jobs. “Undesirable” also means jobs that deal with the public, such as taking orders in fast-food restaurants.

3 What does it say about America when dealing with the American public is something no one wants to do?

<END>

[[to locate some ambiguous horror fiction (and some unambiguous slasher stuff as well) google Terence Kuch]]

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<END>

It’s often said that “from a God’s-eye point of view” every event can be foreseen. This “God’s eye” is sometimes spoken of metaphorically, sometimes literally. If there is an omniscient God, then such a God knows everything that will ever happen, in complete detail. If every event can be known in advance, everything is pre-determined, and determinism is true.

We still put dollars on our favorite horse, because even if the winning nag is pre-determined, we can never, in practice, have certain knowledge of the result in advance of the race.

But there is a problem. If God can foresee all events, then God can foresee His foreseeing of future events before He foresees them. This is a contradiction, and therefore determinism is not true.

Isn’t it?

How certain is that?

<END>

Sometime in the fifth year, under the Governor’s plan, the State would start losing money, and would lose money every year thereafter in saecula saeculorum amen.

Now, I don’t think there should be a liquor monopoly run by the State or anyone else. Booze is not a ‘natural monopoly’ like, say, electricity. Let a thousand bourbons bloom.

But on second thought, perhaps Virginia has such a good thing going that there’s a way to solve its budget problems forever, with just a little tweaking; so herewith, a modest proposal:

The State of Virginia Hardware Store Monopoly

If the State were to outlaw private ownership of hardware stores, and establish their own (say, two or three per county or city), the public coffers could reap a veritable wealth of money from retained earnings, more than enough to pay for highway maintenance. And based on that success, we could have

The State of Virginia Laundry and Dry Cleaning Monopoly

Which would earn not as much for the State as hardware or liquor, but might help clean up the State government.

<END>

Consider that DADT put an end to

.. Soldiers asking other soldiers if they were “queers”, or accusing them of being “one of those fairy types”.

.. Draft boards asking registrants if they had “homosexual tendencies” — and yes, draft boards are still with us.

.. And so on.

The downside was not being able to tell others a large part of who you were. A steep price to pay, but the gain with DADT was still positive, especially considering that no more-liberal policy could have been put into effect at that time.

<END>

B:  “Do I need permission to be here?”

A:  “Yes, you do.”

B:  “Then I must have permission to be here!”

– Carl Sagan (paraphrased)

– Washington Post, 9 December 2010, page A10

I guess we can call this the “lay detector”. Who is watching the subjects to assess the results of these tests? What are the exact pass/fail criteria? (Stiffness? Degrees above the horizontal? Duration of the effect? Are there drug tests to make sure none of the applicants have taken Levitra for penile levitation?) In any case, the test seems highly phall-able.

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“Crispy” and “crispier” are two of those Really Bad Words, because there are already literate and well-established words, “crisp” and “crisper”, for these concepts, and the new forms add no value to the language. If we can have “crispy” and “crispier”, then why not “softy” and “softier”?

I will admit a question of euphony. “Crisp pizza” is difficult to get the mouth around; the extra vowel does make “crispy pizza” easier to say. So it’s possible, just barely, to pardon “crisp” and “crispier” in informal speech — but not in the written language, please, not even on the box of frozen pizza on my kitchen counter, which is getting softier by the minute.

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** McDonald’s flyer, code number VOX 290093-9, copyright 2010. The paragraph in full: “It’s a boneless slab of tenderness slathered with our own special barbecue sauce, then topped with crisp onions and pickles.”